Fishing Forum

I am so fed up with my husband spending hours every day on BFT. As soon as he wakes up, throughout the day, all through dinner and at least an hour after dinner. When is family time? How much time do you spend on this website? And if you are like my husband you are probaly having the same issues not having much of a relationship, fighting because your wife begs you for 5 minutes to her self, your son tries so hard to get your attention that he sometimes ly givesup. So what is time limit? What is more important this website or family? Everything needs a balance and I wish my husband could understand that. Thanks
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[size 2]Hello Frustrated,
Wow, this is the first post I have seen like this but I'll take a swing at it.

How much BFT is too much? No such thing as too much

Just kidding, Family is by far the most important thing! I would talk to your husband and explain your thoughts to him. I find myself always searching for a balance between many things including these boards.

I find the best way to balance things is to schedule them and then just resign yourself to that schedule. It is funny how when you have a schedule and stick to it there always seems to be time for the other things that may throw your schedule off, later. A good example is my kids sports, since they were little I have always made a point to not miss their games or practices. My daughter is 13 and my son is 9 and to this day I have missed less then a handful of their games or practices. Sometimes I am in the middle of something when its time for practice but it always seems that it could keep until I got back, no matter how important it seemed.

Definitely talk to your husband, I am sure if you ask him what a reasonable time is to spend online he will have an answer and just keep talking until you agree on a time. Then it is up to him to keep his word.

Perhaps a good compromise you may or may not already do is. Fishing together? If he spends long lengths of time on fishing websites he clearly enjoys fishing. Maybe if you fished together as a family once or twice a month it would be a great compromise.
My wife is not a big fan of fishing (although she loves the catching part) so we try to schedule a camping or picnic type outing around our family fishing days.

Time is the one thing we can't get anymore of and quality time for the wife and kids needs to be a top priority. Sometimes we all just need a little reminder.[/size]
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ouch, What I mean is OU----CH!

You've heard from a maired man, now how about a confirmed batchlor.

Ya painted a grim picture there for sure,

I understand once upon a time he used to want to escape with you with evey given moment and you miss that part of your life. Sad but true, that part of your life is over, but it dosnt have to be gone entirely. Take the sugestions from theangler above, married life is a give and take world. If you give he will feal obligated to recipricate. this way you both get what you want....

I will tell you a secreat about men, they need comforting just the same as women do, they just express thier needs differently. Men will seek out the comfort they need especialy after a realy trialfull day of work if they dont find it at home.

this by no means has any reflection on your home. the comfort that men need is escape. that is something that you realy cant give him. That is unless you surprise him with a fishing picknic dinner where he can change in to his comfortable cloths and you can take a basket of chicken or any thing out side to a near by park or stream where he can drown a worm or two for an hour.

truthfuly he could have not thought about the family and gone to find his escape on a stool in a dark smoked fill bar blowing the family assets.

so if you figure he spends an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening he is doing quite well if you think about it. This sounds like you could build a family routeen this scedual. Every one needs it daily, It is called personal time. at least a couple hours perday. You can expect to see him on it longer on more stressfull days.

Once you have established this you can then set up another peice of the structure where you spend an hour "the whole family together".

Time is presous so lets not forget the huspand and wife need. there needs to be an hour set forth to cover that aspect of daily living.

It is hard for the home maker to understand the aspect of personal time especialy when they spend the entier day home alone, this person is need interpersonal involvment. As this is the case with any occupation where an individual works alone all day.

so if you think things are bad, they are realy pretty close to normal. This dosnt mean you cant expect or plan for a little improvement day, just dont make it regimental and keep it simple. every one will enjoy it.

you can plan of family dates to help, If you lived in south east michigan you could make a pitcher of coolaid and pick up a 5 dollar pizza from little ceasers hit the nearest park, or knock on the door of one of his fishing buddies where you can hear about what he is talking about in real time.

time is not recoverable, so learning how to get the most of your free from work time is a real must in todays time.

To put it simply, every one needs a couple hours every day just for them selves. It is benifitial to the family unit if you can all plan to do this at the same time of the day...

so the next time you think you are getting the short end of the deal do a drive by the local bub on the way home from work to see how many husbands are sitting there to get their hour of privacy. Then thank god your husband isnt there and you wont have to worrie will he make it home or will the family be spending the night in the emergency ward of the hospitol...
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[black][size 1]Very excellent post Dave, I couldn't have put it better myself. [/size][/black]
[black][size 1]I went through a marriage that was a living hell (but I denied the fact), I liked to fish from time to time, my wife had NO hobbies, I was her hobby. When I took time for myself she would make me regret it every time. It took me years after the divorce to be able to fish again, as she said that IT (me fishing and hunting) was the whole problem, I didn't even know who I was, or what I wanted, because I could not be me and have her love me. I felt lots of guilt (I believed her that it was all my fault) I even stayed single and tried to get her back, until the day she remarried (that's just how I am) I was finally free, I had tried as long and hard as she would let me, and had forgiven her and myself by that time. [/size][/black]
[black][size 1]I went through 10 years of being happily single, and am now happily married to a woman that beisides being a very beautiful person, has been through a lot of the same things I've been through, and needs time to herself as much as I do.[/size][/black]
[size 1]A book I read saved my sanity "Rebuilding" by Dr. Bruce Fisher, it is not a book you read cover to cover, it is about the building blocks that make up a healthy, happy human being. Each chapter deals with feelings we all have after a relationship ends (don't make the mistake thinking that it is only for people going through divorce if I could have found it before I divorced, who knows) Resentment, Anger, Self Asteem (or lack of it) Guilt, Forgivness, Trust, Loneliness, there are many more. At the end of every chapter you take a quiz (Write down your answere, and answer painfull honest) to see how you are doing on that block. When you find out where your problem is, that chapter has ways to feel better. I would highly recommend it to anyone who is having problems in a relationship. [/size]
[size 1]Just know that feeling the way you do is okay. We all have to learn to forgive others, and ourselves. Take care LBD[/size]
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who'd of thunk it? fisherman beeing touchy feely kind of people. funny how we dont get portraid that way ... LOL must be the mocho man immage we put out... LOL

there is no wonder that they say a day of fishing will add a day to your life.

with out a doubt it is easy to get pulled in to lifes pitfalls especialy when you know it is wrong yet you are afraid of loosing something or someone that you hold of value in your life.

learning to let go is with out a doubt the hardest part. once you have truly let go all else will subside. The hard part is knowing the differance between real love and a chemical attraction wich can last for years between.

creating a healthy bond between two people can only be accomplished by those who are willing to allow thier relationship to mature. Yes there will always be chemical attractions with out side parties, these attractions are much the same as anger, you choose weather or not react to it. They are both as natural as rain.

that is what sets up above the fishes, we can choose when how and to whom we will act and react to with what ever fealings we are dealing with.

this is why [indent]
it is important to have that alone time to unwind, work things out, let the worms that are eating at you get flung one by one in to the water for the fish to feed upon. {fishermans fillosophy}
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a realtionship baised on obsession is not only unhealthy for both of you but can result in harmfull if not deadly conciquence.

for those of us who cant find the answers on our own there are many books that deal with this. Just remember it is not a one way street, it is bypartissin, meaning that if both parties are not on the same game plan then it dosnt work. all the books, all the freinds with socalled answers and all the therophy in the world wont make a bit of differance in a failing relationship.

baisicaly what it all comes down to is we all have baisicly the same wants and needs. what sets us apart is our values. here is where the first deceptions begin and this where faild marrages root from. [#bf0000]By not beeing honest about our values from day one with each other set the train reck in motion.[/#bf0000]
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[cool][#0000ff]It is kind of hard to offer suggestions or solutions when we do not know the "whole story". There are always two sides, and it would seem that there is either a breakdown in overall communication or there are other issues at work.[/#0000ff]
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[#0000ff]Generally, when two people get married, there are good reasons for them to do so. But, things can change on many levels. I suspect that the problem goes way beyond simply spending too much time on a website. All I can say is that you have a minor problem compared to the men that spend all their time on internet porn sites. [/#0000ff]
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Communication...Communication...Communication...

All problems can always be worked out.

Luckily my wife and I fish together and often times i catch her reading over my shoulder.
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My wife and I encountered similar circumstances shortly after I became a moderator on the site; however, that was quickly resolved when she pointed it out.

Just like mentioned above, it was as simple as finding a compromise. I agreed that the only time I log on the the site is after hours or while she is working; problem solved. My wife and kids are ALWAYS first.

I also have a similar situation like with the wife not having any hobbies or such. She's a home body, not much for going out, nothing in particular that she's passionate about. Which is not an issue if it's approached fairly and honestly. She drags herself out on the boat as often as she can. Being that she has no hobbies, she can't logically pass down an offer to spend time with me on the boat. And if she asks me to join her on an escapade, I never tell her no, it's only fair. Most of the time it turns out fun anyways, no matter what my attitude is at first. Besides, you're not there to entertain each other, you're there to enjoy each others company. And like mentioned above, if the warmth of each others company isn't good enough, i'd say the computer is not the issue. I can be shoveling rubber dog crap onto a C-130 in China, and if my woman is there, I couldn't be any happier.

In my case, i'm not addicted to BFT, i'm addicted to fishing. Fishing is what keeps me sain, my passion, my therapy, my peice of mind. The smell of the fresh air, the roar of my outboard motor, birds chirping, mosquito bites on the back of my legs......That's what it's all about. Sitting in the house all day when it's nice outside is almost sinful to me. BFT is my way of sharing my knowledge with other anglers, and learning new tricks myself. I have an uncanny thirst for competition and perfection, fishing cators to that. For me, this site is all about the other anlgers, men and women, boys and girls. I spend a good bit of time on the site, probably an hour a day, sometimes more. But I also moderate a considerable amount of boards. It's a great tool for sharing conservation concepts, new rules and regs, strategies, and all in the hopes of preserving fishing for us and our children in the future. [cool]

I hope you and your husband find some common ground. It's not always easy, and us men can get bullheaded from time to time. I wish you the best.
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I used to have my hands in alot of different things always trying to keep busy. In February I had a stroke, not a major one, but it made me think. Then a few days later I had another one. I'm 34 years old. So i quit playing games like Battlefield 1942 and similair ones. The lucky thing is my wife shares alot of common interests of mine. We played Video games together on the internet, she does alot of artwork, etc. Now we fish together.

I guess what I am saying is. Life is way too short and I decided to get out of most of the things that took me away from my wife. Moderating on this board keeps me sane while I am in my work weeks since I cant go fishing I can still talk about it, and I am so thankful my wife shares a love for fishing.
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From one wife to another, my husband had the same problem...on BFT all the time. The thing is, I found it was something hard to understand/compete with at first and that is why it bothered me so much, but then I kept hearing stories about all of these great people from BFT and became curious, I started to express interest in wanting to be involved in BFT functions or just going out with my husband (and our two kids) to meet the very people he connected with at this site. I now understand the draw to this website and everyone that comes along with it...it is a great group of people that our family loves to get together with and I feel that it has brought our family closer together doing something that we love, being outdoors with friends...

Talk to him and let him know it bothers you and if you feel that this is something you might be interested in...tell him and I'm sure that he would be more than happy to tell you all about the website, there are great people involved that I'm sure you'd connect with, then eventually you too will have a screen name (maybe your kids too if they share the interest)...it might help out in your situation, it did for me....good luck and I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family!!
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