09-06-2007, 02:16 AM
[center]![[Image: almanac.jpg]](http://www.originalhooters.com/images/almanac/almanac.jpg)
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Since 1983, Hooters has published relatively useless information for people in all walks of life; ocean tide tables for Iowa residents; sunrise schedules in Braille; planting charts for New Yorkers; weather forecasts for the Bio-Dome; the breeding cycle of the chinch bug; household hints for Hooters Girls; and, of course, the ever useful Hooters Calendar - as long as you don't attempt to utilize it as a calendar. Now, every two weeks or so, we bring you the daily almanac.
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Clinton Update: Hillary Clinton hosted a party at her Washington D.C. home last week. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same.
Internet News: A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He is a law student, so he figured he didnt have any use for it.
New York News: Cab drivers are threatening to strike over a plan for mandatory GPS units in every cab. The cabbies are worried they will not now be able to take tourists through Mid Town Manhattan by way of Queens.
New York News: A New York man who posed as a lawyer and investment adviser was convicted of stealing $6 million from his clients. Which pretty much qualifies him to be a real lawyer and investment adviser.
Air Force News: A missile was launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base so scientists could study the exhaust plume. Which pretty much means they had an extra missile sitting around and some time to kill.
Celebrity News: Mia Farrow has pressed China to help end abuses in Darfur. In return, Farrow has agreed not to adopt any more Chinese kids to turn over to Woody Allen.
China News: 175 million Chinese are learning English. That comes as good news for those who think they want to take over America. If that were the case, they would be learning Spanish.
Reminder: If they outlaw guns for the insane, only sane outlaws will have guns.
Iraq News: The Pentagon is reporting that the number of Iraqi detainees has soared in the last two months. Officials say it is part of a new strategy to detain everyone to give the government time to work.
Housing News: The median price for houses in the U.S. has dropped for the first time since 1950. So if you have been waiting 57 years to buy a house, you are in luck.
Iraq News: A new intelligence report concludes that the Maliki government has little chance of success. The report goes on to suggest that what Iraq needs is a authoritarian secular nationalist regime.
Science News: Astronomers say they have found a huge one-billion- light-year-wide hole in the Universe. Officials at the White House are blaming the Clinton administration.
Business News: A recent study has concluded that almost everything we eat, wear or use comes from China with the exception of chop sticks.
Education News: The National Education Association is reporting that the reading skills of young males improves when tutored by a woman. Thus confirming Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" hypothesis.
Louisiana News: This week marks the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina as well as the one-year anniversary of the federal response.
GA News: The FedEx Cup is under way. The winner of the four-week-long competition will receive a ten million dollar annuity when he reaches the age of 65. To which John Daley asked, "So what's in it for me?"
Iraq News: Iraqi leader Nouri al-Maliki warned that Iraq can find other friends if the U.S. pulls out... He spoke from Syria after visiting Iran. That's gratitude, after President Bush freed the people of Iraq from the tyranny of monthly electricity and water bills.
Mexico News: Hurricane Dean hit Mexico last week but the damage was unexpectedly light. In fact more Mexicans lost their homes that day to adjustable rate mortgages in Tucson.
Vick Update: Michael Vick will be sentenced to 12-18 months in prison for running a dog fighting operation. The dog fighting charge may put an end to his career. As you know, the same thing happened to Rosie O'Donnell.
Science News: Scientists say they may have figured out a way to travel through time. Big deal. For years now we have known of a potion that can let you travel through time... it's called tequila.
China News: Bowing to mounting safety concerns, a Chinese manufacturer has recalled 14 million "Poison Me Elmo" toys.
Sports News: New York Yankees legend Phil Rizzuto has died. He was nicknamed "Scooter" When President Bush heard "Scooter" had died, he asked if there had been a deathbed confession, and if his name came up.
Bush Update: President Bush's daughter Jenna Bush is getting married. Assuming, of course, he is confirmed by Congress. In a related story, the $3 billion wedding contract has gone to Halliburton.
Rove Update: Karl Rove announced that he will hold off a few months before writing his autobiography. Rove said he needs the time right now to write the Petraeus Report.
Rove Update: When Karl Rove stepped down as President Bush's top advisor, he said he wanted to spend more time with his loved ones. Karl Rove has loved ones?
White House News: Saying they wanted to spend more time with their families, today the White House chef, barber, gardener and dog walker all resigned this week.
New York News: The Federal Government is giving $354 million to New York City to help get traffic moving in the city. Most of that money is expected to be used for louder car horns.
Consumer News: Mattel has recalled its second toy in the last two months. Officials said the company expects to have "Recall-Me Barbie," which comes with her own class action lawsuit form, on the market by Christmas.
Germany news: German scientists succeeded in making photons exceed the speed of light. It is called quantum tunneling. Oh great! Just as the U.S. is putting up a border wall with Mexico quantum tunneling comes along!
Toy News: Senator Chris Dodd called for a ban on Chinese toy companies that have lead in their toys. What makes Chinese toys so dangerous is that children eat the lead paint and an hour later they're hungry for it again.
NASA News: The shuttle Endeavor is preparing for an 11-day mission next week. Or as the astronauts call it, "Road trip!"
National News: The U.S. announced a $20 billion arms deal with Saudi Arabia that includes fighter planes, bombers and missiles. It's nothing compared to the anti-aircraft missiles we're selling Israel to shoot them down.
Supreme Court News: Chief Justice John Roberts collapsed outside his vacation home in Maine after having a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right.
Iraq News: Iraq's new Congress adjourned for the summer and said they will be back in September. That is when you know the war is going badly... when the Iraqis pull out.
Iran News: Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he is very upset about the U.S. arms deals with the Saudis, because he says it will destabilize the region. And just when things were going so well.
Cheney Update: Vice President Cheney had a device implanted to monitors his heart beat. To test the device doctors induced a mild heart attack. Do you know how they induced the heart attack? They told him the price of oil dropped $20 a barrel.
Cheney Update: Vice President Dick Cheney had heart surgery again. Talk about microsurgery!
NASA News: A panel found on at least two occasions, astronauts were allowed to fly while so intoxicated that they actually posed a health risk. Maybe that is why they call it the Kennedy Space Center?
Arkansas News: Former Arkansas state representative Jim Bob Duggar and his wife had their 17th child, and right afterwards he and his wife said they want more. See that? Another Republican with no plans to pull out.
New Jersey News: The ex-wife of former Gov. James McGreevey is reportedly asking for $56,000 a month in alimony. McGreevey has to pay his wife alimony until she dies or until she marries another gay man.
Texas News: Researchers at the University of Texas issued a study result giving 237 reasons why people have sex. Today Paul McCartney's ex-wife, Heather Mills, came up with 100 million reasons why.
Inventions Update: 119 years ago in August of 1888 Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving door. Which, we suppose, also makes him the father of our criminal justice system.
Education News: A 94-year-old great-great grandmother received a Masters degree and says she plans to continue her education. Everyone is excited for her, except her student loan officer.
Art News: The Getty Museum returned art treasures to Italy that were stolen during the second World War. Whether Italy will return them to Greece where the Romans originally stole them from remains to be seen.
Manufacturing News: Production of Swiss Army Knifes may now be outsourced to China by the Swiss. Officials said there would be no changes made except that the fork will be replaced by chop sticks.
Soccer News: Manchester United signed a 9-year-old boy to a professional soccer contract. The club hopes the talented youngster will be good enough some day to be sold for millions to some unsuspecting club in America.
Sports News: The L.A. Dodgers invited 100 kids to participate in a steroid awareness program. The kids spent two hours lecturing the Dodger players about the dangers of using performance-enhancing drugs.
FBI News: The FBI says bank robberies have been on the increase the past few years. And that is if you only count ATM fees.
Sports News: David Beckham missed his second straight L.A. Galaxy soccer game. Apparently even Beckham is bored with U.S. soccer.
McCain Update: More bad news. John McCain's entire media team has resigned. But McCain says he intends to stay in the race, according to the campaign's new media spokesman, John McCain.
National News: President Bush said that his successful colonoscopy was "proof that invasions work."
Reminder: Nobody is watching your live, twenty-four-hours-a-day seven-days-a-week video blog.
Business News: PepsiCo's admitted that its "Aquafina" bottled water is just tap water. The company agreed to replace the snow-capped mountains on the bottle's label with rusty pipes.
Health News: A new study has determined that eating fruits and vegetables has no benefit in the prevention of cancer. The study was conducted at McDonald's Hamburger University in Oakbrook Illinois.
Random Thought: The steam pipe explosion in New York just shows how most cities in America are way behind in upgrading their aging infrastructures. In Miami for instance, road signs are still written in English.
National News: Doctors said they did find some things during President Bush's colonoscopy... five polyps and two reporters from Fox News.
Kucinich Update: Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was in the hospital for food poisoning. How could they tell? Kucinich always looks like he always has food poisoning.
Giuliani Update: In a speech about foreign policy and in particular Pakistan, Rudy Giuliani said he knows more about Pakistan than the other candidates because he spent so much time in New York City cabs.
Clinton Update: In the last Democratic presidential debate, Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being "naive." Isn't this the same woman who believed Bill Clinton would "forsake all others 'til death do you part?"
Sports News: Reports say a grand jury will indict Barry Bonds' on tax evasion charges. Commissioner Bud Selig said he still has not decided if he will be on hand when Barry Bonds breaks Al Capone's record.
Edwards Update: John Edwards is continuing his "Poverty Tour" around America. Today he visited with a group of people who get their hair cut at a place called a "barber shop."
National News: As part of his overall plan to promote good health, President Bush said he will introduce a new plan to get Americans walking. The new plan will be officially called "Four Dollars Per Gallon."
West Virginia News: A restaurant in Huntington, West Virginia is selling a 10-pound hamburger. It comes with lettuce, tomato, and an organ donor card.
National News: President Bush had a colonoscopy done last week end.. The procedure took a little longer than expected. Apparently the medical team went in without an exit strategy.
Edwards Update: John Edwards has a new TV commercial touting himself as a tough guy. In the ad it says that sometimes after he shampoos his hair he skips the conditioner completely.
Rumsfeld Update: Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is setting up a foundation to attract others to public service. I believe what he is looking at is called a "Draft".
Louisiana News: Senator David Vitter admitted he was a client of the DC madam, but denied hookers dressed him in diapers. So, are you supposed to take the word of a politician over a hooker? It's a tough call.
Gore Update: Critics are bashing Al Gore for serving Chilean sea bass at his daughter's wedding, because it is an endangered species. In his defense, whenever Al Gore picks up a knife and fork, any species is endangered.
Iraq News: The Republicans in the U.S. House and Senate keep saying that pulling the troops out of Iraq in 120 days would lead to chaos in Iraq. We are thinking chaos might be an improvement!
Senate News: The Senate held an all night session. Hillary Clinton gave a speech at 4 a.m. It was the first time Hillary ever gave a speech at 4 in the morning that didn't begin with, "Where the hell have you been?"
Hilton Update: The terms of Paris Hilton's probation were made public last week. To avoid going back to prison, Paris Hilton must either obey the law or join the Bush Administration.
McCain Update: Presidential candidate John McCain's communication director has quit. McCain had no immediate comment because his communication director quit.
Gore Update: Al Gore's youngest daughter Sarah got married. Unfortunately Al was not able to concentrate at the reception because he was too obsessed with how fast the ice sculpture was melting.
Afghanistan News: Osama bin Laden has released another new video. That shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as Harry Potter. And a video tape? Would it kill him to put out a DVD?
Cuba News: In a recent speech, Fidel Castro said the United States cannot successfully compete with Cuba. If you want to hear the speech, it's available in Havana on eight-track tape.
Edwards Update: John Edwards said today that he has always supported gay rights. Edwards said the only problem he has had with gays is that they charge too much for a haircut.
Louisiana News: Senator David Vitter admitted he was a client of the Washington D.C. madam. He reportedly liked to wear diapers during his encounters. Lots of senators wear diaper, but not usually until their eighth term.
California News: Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has admitted to having an affair with a woman reporter from the Spanish language network. Talk about being an embedded reporter.
Iran News: Officials in Iran announced that a man convicted of adultery there has been stoned to death. Imagine if they did that in Washington D.C., they would be out of stones like the first week.
Kennedy Update: Senator Ted Kennedy reported for jury duty, but was dismissed because of a conflict of interest. It turns out that all 15 trials that day involved other Kennedys.
National News: Anti-war protesters are refusing to pay taxes because they don't want to support the war effort in Iraq. If you don't want to pay taxes just make more than $2 million per year.
England News: Six foreign born doctors are among the eight people suspected of the British terror attack. Apparently they were suspected because of their ties to other subversive terrorist organizations... HMOs.
Oklahoma News: Two girls aged 10 and 12 were arrested for kidnapping a baby and demanding a $200,000 ransom. Remember the old days when kids would just open a lemonade stand to make some extra money?
Celebrity News: Ryan Seacrest attended Eva Longoria's wedding. He said he cried during the ceremony because it was so moving. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul cried because it was a cash bar.
New York News: Temperatures in New York City hit 100 degrees. The heat and humidity combined with the flies and mosquitoes to triple the "Misery Index." Thousands of cab drivers nearly died of homesickness.
Edwards Update: John Edwards is on the campaign trail doing something called his "poverty tour" where he is visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today was John McCain's headquarters.
California News: Los Angeles mayor Villaraigosa tried to give someone the key to the city this week but it didn't work because his wife had the locks changed.
Immigration News: Immigration officials across the country have been deluged in recent days by illegal aliens willing to plead guilty to perjury in exchange for a deal similar to Scooter Libby's.
Reminder: Ask your doctor if he is a suicide bomber.
Gore Update: For Al Gore's "Live Earth Concert" performers jammed concert sites with giant equipment trucks, buses to bring the bands, motor homes, Gulfstream jets for the stars and huge electricity generators for the concert itself. The next morning, the planet surrendered.
[signature]
[/center] Since 1983, Hooters has published relatively useless information for people in all walks of life; ocean tide tables for Iowa residents; sunrise schedules in Braille; planting charts for New Yorkers; weather forecasts for the Bio-Dome; the breeding cycle of the chinch bug; household hints for Hooters Girls; and, of course, the ever useful Hooters Calendar - as long as you don't attempt to utilize it as a calendar. Now, every two weeks or so, we bring you the daily almanac.
Clinton Update: Hillary Clinton hosted a party at her Washington D.C. home last week. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same.
Internet News: A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He is a law student, so he figured he didnt have any use for it.
New York News: Cab drivers are threatening to strike over a plan for mandatory GPS units in every cab. The cabbies are worried they will not now be able to take tourists through Mid Town Manhattan by way of Queens.
New York News: A New York man who posed as a lawyer and investment adviser was convicted of stealing $6 million from his clients. Which pretty much qualifies him to be a real lawyer and investment adviser.
Air Force News: A missile was launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base so scientists could study the exhaust plume. Which pretty much means they had an extra missile sitting around and some time to kill.
Celebrity News: Mia Farrow has pressed China to help end abuses in Darfur. In return, Farrow has agreed not to adopt any more Chinese kids to turn over to Woody Allen.
China News: 175 million Chinese are learning English. That comes as good news for those who think they want to take over America. If that were the case, they would be learning Spanish.
Reminder: If they outlaw guns for the insane, only sane outlaws will have guns.
Iraq News: The Pentagon is reporting that the number of Iraqi detainees has soared in the last two months. Officials say it is part of a new strategy to detain everyone to give the government time to work.
Housing News: The median price for houses in the U.S. has dropped for the first time since 1950. So if you have been waiting 57 years to buy a house, you are in luck.
Iraq News: A new intelligence report concludes that the Maliki government has little chance of success. The report goes on to suggest that what Iraq needs is a authoritarian secular nationalist regime.
Science News: Astronomers say they have found a huge one-billion- light-year-wide hole in the Universe. Officials at the White House are blaming the Clinton administration.
Business News: A recent study has concluded that almost everything we eat, wear or use comes from China with the exception of chop sticks.
Education News: The National Education Association is reporting that the reading skills of young males improves when tutored by a woman. Thus confirming Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" hypothesis.
Louisiana News: This week marks the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina as well as the one-year anniversary of the federal response.
GA News: The FedEx Cup is under way. The winner of the four-week-long competition will receive a ten million dollar annuity when he reaches the age of 65. To which John Daley asked, "So what's in it for me?"
Iraq News: Iraqi leader Nouri al-Maliki warned that Iraq can find other friends if the U.S. pulls out... He spoke from Syria after visiting Iran. That's gratitude, after President Bush freed the people of Iraq from the tyranny of monthly electricity and water bills.
Mexico News: Hurricane Dean hit Mexico last week but the damage was unexpectedly light. In fact more Mexicans lost their homes that day to adjustable rate mortgages in Tucson.
Vick Update: Michael Vick will be sentenced to 12-18 months in prison for running a dog fighting operation. The dog fighting charge may put an end to his career. As you know, the same thing happened to Rosie O'Donnell.
Science News: Scientists say they may have figured out a way to travel through time. Big deal. For years now we have known of a potion that can let you travel through time... it's called tequila.
China News: Bowing to mounting safety concerns, a Chinese manufacturer has recalled 14 million "Poison Me Elmo" toys.
Sports News: New York Yankees legend Phil Rizzuto has died. He was nicknamed "Scooter" When President Bush heard "Scooter" had died, he asked if there had been a deathbed confession, and if his name came up.
Bush Update: President Bush's daughter Jenna Bush is getting married. Assuming, of course, he is confirmed by Congress. In a related story, the $3 billion wedding contract has gone to Halliburton.
Rove Update: Karl Rove announced that he will hold off a few months before writing his autobiography. Rove said he needs the time right now to write the Petraeus Report.
Rove Update: When Karl Rove stepped down as President Bush's top advisor, he said he wanted to spend more time with his loved ones. Karl Rove has loved ones?
White House News: Saying they wanted to spend more time with their families, today the White House chef, barber, gardener and dog walker all resigned this week.
New York News: The Federal Government is giving $354 million to New York City to help get traffic moving in the city. Most of that money is expected to be used for louder car horns.
Consumer News: Mattel has recalled its second toy in the last two months. Officials said the company expects to have "Recall-Me Barbie," which comes with her own class action lawsuit form, on the market by Christmas.
Germany news: German scientists succeeded in making photons exceed the speed of light. It is called quantum tunneling. Oh great! Just as the U.S. is putting up a border wall with Mexico quantum tunneling comes along!
Toy News: Senator Chris Dodd called for a ban on Chinese toy companies that have lead in their toys. What makes Chinese toys so dangerous is that children eat the lead paint and an hour later they're hungry for it again.
NASA News: The shuttle Endeavor is preparing for an 11-day mission next week. Or as the astronauts call it, "Road trip!"
National News: The U.S. announced a $20 billion arms deal with Saudi Arabia that includes fighter planes, bombers and missiles. It's nothing compared to the anti-aircraft missiles we're selling Israel to shoot them down.
Supreme Court News: Chief Justice John Roberts collapsed outside his vacation home in Maine after having a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right.
Iraq News: Iraq's new Congress adjourned for the summer and said they will be back in September. That is when you know the war is going badly... when the Iraqis pull out.
Iran News: Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he is very upset about the U.S. arms deals with the Saudis, because he says it will destabilize the region. And just when things were going so well.
Cheney Update: Vice President Cheney had a device implanted to monitors his heart beat. To test the device doctors induced a mild heart attack. Do you know how they induced the heart attack? They told him the price of oil dropped $20 a barrel.
Cheney Update: Vice President Dick Cheney had heart surgery again. Talk about microsurgery!
NASA News: A panel found on at least two occasions, astronauts were allowed to fly while so intoxicated that they actually posed a health risk. Maybe that is why they call it the Kennedy Space Center?
Arkansas News: Former Arkansas state representative Jim Bob Duggar and his wife had their 17th child, and right afterwards he and his wife said they want more. See that? Another Republican with no plans to pull out.
New Jersey News: The ex-wife of former Gov. James McGreevey is reportedly asking for $56,000 a month in alimony. McGreevey has to pay his wife alimony until she dies or until she marries another gay man.
Texas News: Researchers at the University of Texas issued a study result giving 237 reasons why people have sex. Today Paul McCartney's ex-wife, Heather Mills, came up with 100 million reasons why.
Inventions Update: 119 years ago in August of 1888 Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving door. Which, we suppose, also makes him the father of our criminal justice system.
Education News: A 94-year-old great-great grandmother received a Masters degree and says she plans to continue her education. Everyone is excited for her, except her student loan officer.
Art News: The Getty Museum returned art treasures to Italy that were stolen during the second World War. Whether Italy will return them to Greece where the Romans originally stole them from remains to be seen.
Manufacturing News: Production of Swiss Army Knifes may now be outsourced to China by the Swiss. Officials said there would be no changes made except that the fork will be replaced by chop sticks.
Soccer News: Manchester United signed a 9-year-old boy to a professional soccer contract. The club hopes the talented youngster will be good enough some day to be sold for millions to some unsuspecting club in America.
Sports News: The L.A. Dodgers invited 100 kids to participate in a steroid awareness program. The kids spent two hours lecturing the Dodger players about the dangers of using performance-enhancing drugs.
FBI News: The FBI says bank robberies have been on the increase the past few years. And that is if you only count ATM fees.
Sports News: David Beckham missed his second straight L.A. Galaxy soccer game. Apparently even Beckham is bored with U.S. soccer.
McCain Update: More bad news. John McCain's entire media team has resigned. But McCain says he intends to stay in the race, according to the campaign's new media spokesman, John McCain.
National News: President Bush said that his successful colonoscopy was "proof that invasions work."
Reminder: Nobody is watching your live, twenty-four-hours-a-day seven-days-a-week video blog.
Business News: PepsiCo's admitted that its "Aquafina" bottled water is just tap water. The company agreed to replace the snow-capped mountains on the bottle's label with rusty pipes.
Health News: A new study has determined that eating fruits and vegetables has no benefit in the prevention of cancer. The study was conducted at McDonald's Hamburger University in Oakbrook Illinois.
Random Thought: The steam pipe explosion in New York just shows how most cities in America are way behind in upgrading their aging infrastructures. In Miami for instance, road signs are still written in English.
National News: Doctors said they did find some things during President Bush's colonoscopy... five polyps and two reporters from Fox News.
Kucinich Update: Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was in the hospital for food poisoning. How could they tell? Kucinich always looks like he always has food poisoning.
Giuliani Update: In a speech about foreign policy and in particular Pakistan, Rudy Giuliani said he knows more about Pakistan than the other candidates because he spent so much time in New York City cabs.
Clinton Update: In the last Democratic presidential debate, Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being "naive." Isn't this the same woman who believed Bill Clinton would "forsake all others 'til death do you part?"
Sports News: Reports say a grand jury will indict Barry Bonds' on tax evasion charges. Commissioner Bud Selig said he still has not decided if he will be on hand when Barry Bonds breaks Al Capone's record.
Edwards Update: John Edwards is continuing his "Poverty Tour" around America. Today he visited with a group of people who get their hair cut at a place called a "barber shop."
National News: As part of his overall plan to promote good health, President Bush said he will introduce a new plan to get Americans walking. The new plan will be officially called "Four Dollars Per Gallon."
West Virginia News: A restaurant in Huntington, West Virginia is selling a 10-pound hamburger. It comes with lettuce, tomato, and an organ donor card.
National News: President Bush had a colonoscopy done last week end.. The procedure took a little longer than expected. Apparently the medical team went in without an exit strategy.
Edwards Update: John Edwards has a new TV commercial touting himself as a tough guy. In the ad it says that sometimes after he shampoos his hair he skips the conditioner completely.
Rumsfeld Update: Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is setting up a foundation to attract others to public service. I believe what he is looking at is called a "Draft".
Louisiana News: Senator David Vitter admitted he was a client of the DC madam, but denied hookers dressed him in diapers. So, are you supposed to take the word of a politician over a hooker? It's a tough call.
Gore Update: Critics are bashing Al Gore for serving Chilean sea bass at his daughter's wedding, because it is an endangered species. In his defense, whenever Al Gore picks up a knife and fork, any species is endangered.
Iraq News: The Republicans in the U.S. House and Senate keep saying that pulling the troops out of Iraq in 120 days would lead to chaos in Iraq. We are thinking chaos might be an improvement!
Senate News: The Senate held an all night session. Hillary Clinton gave a speech at 4 a.m. It was the first time Hillary ever gave a speech at 4 in the morning that didn't begin with, "Where the hell have you been?"
Hilton Update: The terms of Paris Hilton's probation were made public last week. To avoid going back to prison, Paris Hilton must either obey the law or join the Bush Administration.
McCain Update: Presidential candidate John McCain's communication director has quit. McCain had no immediate comment because his communication director quit.
Gore Update: Al Gore's youngest daughter Sarah got married. Unfortunately Al was not able to concentrate at the reception because he was too obsessed with how fast the ice sculpture was melting.
Afghanistan News: Osama bin Laden has released another new video. That shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as Harry Potter. And a video tape? Would it kill him to put out a DVD?
Cuba News: In a recent speech, Fidel Castro said the United States cannot successfully compete with Cuba. If you want to hear the speech, it's available in Havana on eight-track tape.
Edwards Update: John Edwards said today that he has always supported gay rights. Edwards said the only problem he has had with gays is that they charge too much for a haircut.
Louisiana News: Senator David Vitter admitted he was a client of the Washington D.C. madam. He reportedly liked to wear diapers during his encounters. Lots of senators wear diaper, but not usually until their eighth term.
California News: Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has admitted to having an affair with a woman reporter from the Spanish language network. Talk about being an embedded reporter.
Iran News: Officials in Iran announced that a man convicted of adultery there has been stoned to death. Imagine if they did that in Washington D.C., they would be out of stones like the first week.
Kennedy Update: Senator Ted Kennedy reported for jury duty, but was dismissed because of a conflict of interest. It turns out that all 15 trials that day involved other Kennedys.
National News: Anti-war protesters are refusing to pay taxes because they don't want to support the war effort in Iraq. If you don't want to pay taxes just make more than $2 million per year.
England News: Six foreign born doctors are among the eight people suspected of the British terror attack. Apparently they were suspected because of their ties to other subversive terrorist organizations... HMOs.
Oklahoma News: Two girls aged 10 and 12 were arrested for kidnapping a baby and demanding a $200,000 ransom. Remember the old days when kids would just open a lemonade stand to make some extra money?
Celebrity News: Ryan Seacrest attended Eva Longoria's wedding. He said he cried during the ceremony because it was so moving. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul cried because it was a cash bar.
New York News: Temperatures in New York City hit 100 degrees. The heat and humidity combined with the flies and mosquitoes to triple the "Misery Index." Thousands of cab drivers nearly died of homesickness.
Edwards Update: John Edwards is on the campaign trail doing something called his "poverty tour" where he is visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today was John McCain's headquarters.
California News: Los Angeles mayor Villaraigosa tried to give someone the key to the city this week but it didn't work because his wife had the locks changed.
Immigration News: Immigration officials across the country have been deluged in recent days by illegal aliens willing to plead guilty to perjury in exchange for a deal similar to Scooter Libby's.
Reminder: Ask your doctor if he is a suicide bomber.
Gore Update: For Al Gore's "Live Earth Concert" performers jammed concert sites with giant equipment trucks, buses to bring the bands, motor homes, Gulfstream jets for the stars and huge electricity generators for the concert itself. The next morning, the planet surrendered.
[signature]