12-15-2003, 01:21 AM
Memo from Santa
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas and Alabama on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks, for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good girls and boys; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch's stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insure by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips, though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' hound dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of lending him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overhangs Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard dat!"
6. As require by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classic! s such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Bert Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely yours, Santa
[signature]
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas and Alabama on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks, for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good girls and boys; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch's stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insure by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips, though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' hound dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of lending him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overhangs Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard dat!"
6. As require by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classic! s such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Bert Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely yours, Santa
[signature]
¸.·´¯`·.´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸><(((º>
TheAngler BFT Moderator
TheAngler BFT Moderator
