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My trip to the hardware store
I stopped at Ace Hardware on the way home , I had to try and fight off the bargain hunting urge that I inherited from my folks .
75% off on all kinds of stuff , plumbing , electrical , painting , kitchen was endless .
Then , as if to taunt me more , hunting and fishing stuff .
I made up my mind , I wasn't going to purchase anything but what I had already intended to buy .
It couldn't hurt to look though , could it ?
Yes , that's what I thought . I had forgotten that that trait had also been breed into my genetics and has lead into countless altercations with their spouses that my father and his father and countless fathers before them have been trapped into.
Before I knew it I was pushing people out of my way , looking at stuff I didn't need or necessarily want but , damn , look at those prices !!!
I was still just on the outskirts of the huge pile , I knew there was unexplored territory , untold treasures these other shoppers dared not venture into at the center of the pile for fear they might be scoffed at for being uncouth .
I surveyed the surroundings and spotted a ladder leaning against the front of the store, like a crazed squirrel I scampered up that ladder and stood on the roof trying to get a fix on the sweet spot of the mound to dive into .
Cha-ching I thought to myself , there she be, water filters , if your going to dive anything with water should work just dandy !!!
I made three steps back , then spied again , the distance might require another two steps back with this headwind , so I did , not really checking things out before making the move .
I tripped over the rooftop vent cover , slid down the awning butt first and as luck would have it , I was dangling upside down , my belt caught on a fence post on the edge of the pile .
The crowd cheered , some laughed , one small child with a doll in hand asked her Mommy if that (me) was some kind of circus clown the store had for advertising purposes ..
Normally , some of you would find my actions at this point to be quite embarrassing , I however , thanks to my family genes , find this somewhat a normal part of my daily life .
The part that is embarrassing for me is that I called my wife to come rescue me , she laughs when she answers and hangs up , this has been going on for a few hours now and the store will be closing for the evening soon .
If any of you feel some compassion for me , or just feel like helping someone out in time of need , here's your chance .
I'm nestled in between the rakes and shovels displayed on the fence , I'm the one that is upside down so please hurry , speed is of the most importance to me right now , I drank a lot of coffee today and it urgently wants to depart from my body . Damn Newton and his discovery of gravity .
Some hillbilly lady bought her kid one of those mini-marshmallow guns and the little F'er loaded it with gummy bears and he's shooting my ass up .
"Ouch , you little shit !!!! "
I swear by all things holy I'm going to find that kid some day and loosen the handlebars on his tricycle .
I'm still hanging here upside down on the fence , pigeon poop running down my pant leg and sporting a nifty 90% off red tag stuck on my nose .
There has been one elderly lady that seemed interested in me but she had to go home and talk it over with her cats first .
37 cents , such a bargain , you would think someone would have picked me up before buying a scratch & dented Kleenex dispenser .
I can smell bacon cooking from the restaurant across the street .

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